Dear God,
I really miss pizza.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for carob.
In light and love always,
Rhonda Leigh
It took a complete mental breakdown to get me where I am today, and where I am today is what my goal was for years, even before there ever was an anxiety issue. While there are some things I miss because of all the changes I've made to bring myself back down to earth (hey, pizza...maybe someday we can be friends again), I'm mostly grateful. I have a whole new perspective on life and a much improved appreciation of this thing we call living.
I still find much joy in baking even though it has to be gluten-free and vegan if I'm gonna consume it, and I find even more joy in being able to recognize it when I get a trigger to binge eat. Thank you, EMDR! It's so nice to know that I can get upset and not helplessly consume five or six of these things in one sitting. Is anyone else out there reading this an emotional eater? It doesn't have to be that way forever, which is why I'm comfortable laying this yummy recipe on you.
Vegan Carob Cupcakes
1 1/2 C gluten free flour (I use Jovial foods gluten free pastry flour #4)
3/4 C granulated sugar
1/3 C carob powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 C veg oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 flax egg
1 C water
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
*for flax egg
-combine 1TB ground flax and 3 TBs hot water, allow to sit for 10min
*sift flour, sugar, carob, baking soda, salt in large bowl.
*add oil, vanilla, flax egg, and water to flour mix and combine well.
*fill a greased muffin pan 3/4 full and bake 20-22 min or until toothpick inserted comes out clean.
The original recipe can be found here. I found that adding the flax egg was very helpful with moisture content after I switched to my gluten free version. If you use regular flour you can omit the flax egg.
I'm probably going to be talking about anxiety a lot in my new posts. I've met so many people that have suffered, are suffering, with it. I feel like it happened to me for a reason. I'm not afraid to talk about it, and I enjoy sharing what I've found works for me in combating it. I have found meaning in my suffering. As Viktor Frankl wrote in Man's Search for Meaning, "In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice."
If what I've gone through ends up helping at least one person come through the other side of anxiety safe and sound, then my suffering was worth it. I don't know if I'm completely over being knocked on my ass, but I have certainly picked myself up enough times these past two years to know that I'm not giving up. I've gone from not being able to even drive down the street (any street) without having a panic attack, to driving three hours on the interstate this past Wednesday to our family vacation destination with no problem at all. I've gone from having anxiety all day long with severe panic attacks every few hours to only having anxiety before my cycle, to having a couple months in a row with no anxiety at all and even longer between panic attacks. Hallelujah!
One of the most helpful things for me was reading this book: Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weekes. She talks about the anatomy of a panic attack. She describes so fully what it is doing to your body that it took the terror away for me. She helped me understand that if I stopped being afraid of being afraid, the anxiety would eventually stop. And it did. It got me out of the loop. I highly recommend this book for anyone in crisis. There are a few others that helped me too for different reasons, but this one broke the cycle for me so I could start to function again.
There were hormonal issues due to taking birth control that got the anxiety fire blazing for me, so I had other work to do to as well, but Weekes book was a life saver and got me through the worst of it.
I am a fighter through and through. I don't give up. I might shake, I might cry, I might fall down, I might even lay there for a few days, but I eventually get my ass up and try again. As for music, I may not be a black woman, but I'm feeling these jams by Jamila Woods. I can relate to them for reasons other than color. Maybe you can too.
Jamila Woods: NPR Tiny Desk Concert
